“Husbands & Wives”
Ephesians 5:21-33
Paul continues in his letter to the Ephesians to explain how their new identity in Christ should be lived out. Today’s Scripture Paul will address the roles of husbands and wives.
I suspect that for many of you who are in this room the conversation of marriage, and the roles therein, is one of those topics that has the potential to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. I know that many of you have been divorced and your personal experience of marriage has many emotional attachments. So before you shut down and stop listening, I urge you to step back and like any piece of Scripture we read, I want you to first contextualize. Let’s take ourselves back to the first century and understand the context in which Paul is speaking.
Specifically in regards to the roles men and women had in their family, in their community in their synagogue. Jesus arrived on the scene and pretty much shook everything up and turned it upside-down.
Paul has come along and is trying to put all the parts of their lives into perspective. He has dealt with their sex lives, their greed, their way of talking with each other, their anger, it makes sense that he would have something to say about the central relationship in society, the husband and wife.
Jesus’ love and
how Christians were to respond to that love and
then demonstrate their understanding of that love
by changing how they related with others
is a key part of being a husband and wife.
Notice that for Paul, marriage is a mystery, he equates this union with how Christ relates to the church.
Paul is looking at marriage through lenses created by God, not humans. This may be difficult for us to wrap our minds around, but I am going to ask you to give it your best shot.
To begin with, Paul starts with verse 21 with any and all relationships,
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Marriage is a special relationship as a covenant created by God for the purpose of displaying His image on earth.
Look at what has happened to marriage,
In 2022, 47% of households in the United States were married-couple households, down from 71% in 1970.
The marriage rate in the US has dropped by nearly 60% over the last 50 years, and is currently at the lowest point in recorded history.
What is going on culturally to create such a dramatic change?
I am sure you can all venture to guess, and when I tell you that it’s because of the increased value our society puts on individual fulfillment I am sure you are not surprised. Marriage today is about what will make me personally happy. What will bring the most fulfillment for me. This kind of philosophy is the driving force for everything in our society, from entertainment to family system development. It is the theme for every RomCom that is made. Find someone who pleases you and get what you want. Then live happily ever after.
Society has taken its clues for marriage from the movie Roman Holiday to The Wedding Singer . We believe that’s how good marriages begin and as long as we are personally fulfilled we stay married. Young men watch these and realize they can’t live up to the expectations they provide and so they develop a phobia of commitment. On the other hand, you have young women responding to these ideals with the ever elusive search for the perfect man.
The reality is, when two imperfect people decide to get married and become one, it will be imperfect. Two wrongs don’t make a right, ever. However, when it comes to Christian marriage, it’s not two, it’s three, Christ should be the center. When Christ is the center, the focus is not longer on oneself, but on serving others. This becomes a deal changer.
There is an equality that should exist whenever Jesus is in the midst and that equality is what I want us to keep in mind as read through this passage. Before we get into the distinction of roles in marriage it is imperative that we understand our individual position in Christ.
Galatians 3:28,
“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Those are Paul’s words. The same person who wrote our Scripture for today, which may produce discomfort in many modern women’s hearts. Paul declares a mutual submission and an equality in Christ. That being said, we need to also recognize that although we are equal in Christ we are different.
I believe this is significant. We live in an age where the differentiation of gender is muddled. To talk about the differences between men and women means you are intolerant. The talk about femininity of women and the masculinity of men is taboo. When basically it is human nature. We understand the difference between a woman and a man. These differences can be used by God to compliment one another. Those same differences can be the cause of some of the deepest heart breaks. Regardless of what our society says in its attempt to create some kind of neutral reality, Paul is sharing his instructions to women, with their particular bent in life, and instructions to men, with their particular bent in life.
Paul provides two instructions, submission and love.
His choice of who gets which instruction isn’t saying the other doesn’t need to do the other. When he tells women to submit and men to love, he is not saying women shouldn’t love and men shouldn’t submit. He is focusing on the unique ways men and women think and function following the outcome of the fall. He is focusing on an area of weakness in the sexes to bring about a harmony that is created when followers of Jesus focus on being servants to all.
Let’s begin with women, verses 22-24. I am going to label this, “Stand by your man.” Notice, I didn’t say, “Stand behind your man.”
The word submission is what stirs up discomfort in many women. It even has some men thinking, wow, that’s just not comfortable. So what is Paul actually saying?
In the verse just before this Paul wrote that everyone was to submit to one another? Why point out the wives here?
The word submit here means, subordinate, or place yourself under. Submit does not mean “behind.” Paul is setting up descriptions of each person’s role in the marriage. This role began with creation. We are told back in Genesis the first thing that God thought was
“not good,”
was that man was alone.
God looked around and realized there was no helper suitable for the man. Adam was incapable of accomplishing what God had given him to do because he was incomplete. So God took a part of the man and created a woman. This happened and created an order in creation. God created man first and He created woman second. That is not an establishment of inequality, it is simply the order of how things happened.
In fact, there is an actual order of things in the Godhead itself. There is God, who is three persons in one. The Son is not the Father, nor are either God or the Son the Spirit. Yet, they are equal, One God, three persons, and yet we are told the Son submits to the Father. We are told to have the same mind that is in Christ Jesus, who being God, didn’t see that as something He was to grasp, instead, He humbled Himself, submitted to the Father, even to the point of death.
Our example is Christ, who submitted himself unto death to people who hated Him. Paul tells wives to submit to a husband, who has been called to love her like Christ loved the Church. When all members of the marriage are doing their part, submission is easy.
Submission does not mean you kowtow to whatever the other says. That is the Victorian view of submission which has caused severe damage to women and required a suffrage movement.
Christ’s example to all is marked by being a servant. A key component for both wife and husband.
The reason that Paul reminds women of their need to submit is because in general, this is the area where women have the most struggle. Innately women are empathetic and feel for everything around them. Generally they are the ones in touch with their emotions. Notice I said “generally.” I happen to be one of those exceptions. I took a test to determine my gifts and characteristics and based on the test I have very little empathy. I happen to think the test was wrong, but my friends happen to agree with the test.
Having empathy opens one up, makes one vulnerable therefore there is a need or a desire to be protected and provided for. What woman when they are dreaming about their future husband say,
“I am looking for a man that I can protect.”
Women, on the whole, not that there aren’t exceptions out there, want a man to provide, nurture and protect them.
The thing that makes surrender difficult is that the wife has to trust the husband. Jesus submitted to the Father because He absolutely trusted Him. Wives have to have faith in their husband and trust him and hope in him even when it may seem he won’t come through.
Husbands, you’re next, you need to be someone your wife is willing to trust in. Your wives need to feel loved, safe and provided for.
Paul is telling women to submit to someone who is willing to lay down his life, nurture and care for her.
God has called women to follow their husband’s lead. But their leading has to be like Christ. Following your husband’s lead is not walking behind him, it’s walking beside him. It is helping him be the best person he can be.
Wives, you are never asked to submit to abuse or neglect, ever. The damage created when women stay in abusive relationships is horrible. If your husband is abusive, verbally or physically, he is violating and forfeiting his covenant responsibility. He has no right to ask you to submit if he is violating his role to be a protector and provider. Wives what you are being asked to submit to is your husband’s protection and provision of love.
You know why God doesn’t tell husbands to “submit” to their wives. Because it’s not that difficult for them to do it. Husbands have trust in their wives.
Instead, Paul tells husbands to cherish their lady. Paul provides an example, Like Christ loved the church. Christ loved the Church, He gave Himself for her, the reason He did was to make her Holy, lifting her up. Your wife needs to feel loved, cherished and protected.
We need a return to chivalry, not chauvinism, but chivalry, defined as, “very polite, honest, and kind behavior, especially by men toward women.” In Christianity, it is defined by sacrificial love. When a woman feels cherished, cared for, protected, she’s got your back.
In today’s society, most men have not been taught real chivalry. There is a delayed growth amongst men today. There is an unwillingness to grow up and commit. Paul is telling husbands they are to be “like Christ.”
That’s a tough act to follow.
What it boils down to is being humble,
as a servant,
giving up in order to take care of and provide for,
not self seeking.
In the world’s eyes this looks like a sissy. The world has men “taking control,” “being in charge,” being the boss. Biblical manhood is the ability to love sacrificially. It’s not about machismo. If you expect women to allow you to lead, you need to prove yourself by leading as a servant.
Husbands, it requires attention.
Men, in general, have difficulty paying attention. Not all men, but in general, the details are not that important. Wives need to know their husbands are involved and feeling for who they are and what they do. Husbands need to learn how to be attentive to what is needed so they can provide. Husbands need to learn the language of love for their wives.
Marriages work out when both husband and wife submit to and love each other. In fact, both sides need to provide absolute sacrifice. It is not a 50/50 relationship, that won’t work. It is 100/100 percent from both sides.
For Christians, marriage is about living like Jesus. Submission requires trust, wives need to learn to trust their husbands. Husbands need to pay attention to their wives, and figure out how they feel loved, and then love them.
Today’s society is taking our gender identities and twisting them all around. We are all messed up. In the guise of “equality & tolerance” we are being asked to allow just about anything. Society comes and goes with its likes and dislikes. Paul goes on to describe what marriage is like for those who follow Jesus.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”
Marriage for those who follow Christ becomes a picture of our triune God. Within the Trinity there is submission on all sides and love on all sides. In order to have a healthy, vibrant relationship within a marriage, each person must have a healthy and vibrant relationship with Jesus.
It begins with the Gospel. It’s our relationship with Jesus that equips us to be in a real relationship with another person. You can’t be the wife or the husband you are called to be without the help of Jesus.
In the midst of our real world, we have imperfect experiences. The blessing of Jesus is that His mercies are new every morning. We are made new, every time we seek redemption. When we repent, admit our mistakes, God wipes away the past and allows us a new start.
For those who are following Jesus, in all things, He is supreme. If a husband and wife are together considering Jesus, first, they’re doing well.
In all things may we look to Christ, Hebrews 12,
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.
We can’t do it without Him.
Let’s pray.
